Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Think?

I’m usually pretty sure of myself. But, I’ve written a number of “I think and I don’t think” statements in this post, which means, I’m not really sure. I think I have become a bit depressed. I’m at the cancer center today. I will receive round 8 of chemo cycle 9. I will also be seeing a doctor that may prescribe a mild anti-depressant. I don’t think my state of mind is unusual given my circumstance. One may assume it could be due to my low-level chronic pain, the not feeling well at times, or my disabilities. I think those are contributing factors, but not the main factor. What I’m most frustrated by is the short term “not knowing.” Not knowing how I’ll feel in the morning, not knowing how I’ll feel in an hour, and not knowing how I’ll feel tomorrow. I’ve given up on a time horizon further out than the here and now. As such, planning and committing to any activity, whether social or otherwise, is very difficult. This results in a desire to plan “absolutely nothing.” If you stop and think about that, the ability to not plan anything is depressing. I don’t think I’m depressed by not knowing my longer term prognosis. Every day I wonder if my cancer is back. I have a new pain in my left jaw that feels suspicious. My oncologist is a bit concerned by this as well. He’s scheduling me for a CT scan in 4 weeks. But, I’ve learned to live with the reasonable possibility that my cancer may return. So, I think it’s really the shorter term aspects of this situation that are depressing me. In the long term, as the saying goes, nobody's getting out of here alive… and that I can live with.

By the way, I began this blog just over a year ago and this is my 100th posting. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it (and learning from it) as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. Thanks for checking in. Stay well.

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