Am I Angry?

This is one of the benefits of having good friends or others that are close to you. They ask the really tough questions. They are questions that others may be thinking or wondering. Or, if they’re not close or they haven’t given it much thought, it’s not even on their radar. I’ve had a good three weeks until today. Today, I woke up with what feels like a pinched nerve in my jaw/cheek area (very close to the location of my most recent tumor removal) and it’s causing pain (electricity like) across the low left side of my face, jaw/teeth numbness, and most importantly a high degree of anxiety. I was with a friend today and he asked me how I have dealt with all this cancer stuff (he said it a little more diplomatically). I explained that it was frustrating and at first denied that it made me angry. But, with a few minutes reflection, I said, you know what, it does make me angry, it has robbed me of much of the happiness in my life. It should have been a glorious day. We were playing golf. The sun was out. It wasn’t too hot. The course was beautiful and in great shape. There was no one holding us up in front. There was no one pushing us from behind. My golf game was reasonable given that I only began playing again last month after almost a year off. I had some terrific shots. But, I was angry and annoyed by this new pain.

It ruined a perfectly beautiful day.

Is it a new tumor pushing again a facial nerve? Is it a new tumor growing on a facial nerve? If it is, what will they recommend? Will it be surgery that will cut a major facial nerve? The thought of that is too depressing to think about. I’ve been fortunate compared to others and have escaped major deformities. This would surely lead to some deformities, plus more difficulty talking and eating. Both of which are already difficult. My next clinic visit is Wednesday. I’ll ask my doctor what he suggests. I’m thinking an ultrasound of the area may provide some insight followed by a biopsy if the ultrasound turns up any suspicious areas. Or, maybe it will just go away. Wouldn’t that be nice.

If you haven't seen the "Bucket List" with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, I recommend it. It's about how two people live through the last year of their life with cancer. At one point during a difficult treatment period, Jack Nicholson says, "some lucky person out there is having a heart attack." It's sad, funny, and ironic all at the same time. They did some good research for this film.

Take care everyone.